Why Is “Why” Killing Me?
Human beings are inherently problem solvers. It’s what we do and how we have evolved. It’s in our DNA. We solve problems and we survive to live another day. This is a great attribute to have as a species, but when the issue is driven by something deeply personal, this trait is often the reason why we become emotionally incapacitated and unable to move forward. This is because we oftentimes find ourselves searching for an answer to a situation we have no control over.
Often, when we’re struggling with massive depression and anxiety, the first (and most difficult) issue that needs to be dealt with is the question of why something happened or why someone else did or did not do something.
“Why did he do it?”
“Why did I do it?
“Why didn’t she just tell me?”
“Why did this have to happen?”
“Why can’t you just forgive me?”
“Why do you have to do this?”
Once these questions are followed by “That doesn’t make any sense,” the circle is completed, and the spiraling begins. This is because we can’t find a reasonable answer to something very personal and important that has been taken away from us. Sadly, we then assume the pain is never going to end even though we’ve been hurt before and survived. It’s just really hard to remember this when we’re in the eye of a hurricane. So, why takes over and begins to change how we cope with its pain which, in turn, destroys the person we are supposed to be.
Five Stages of “Why”
(Adapted from Five Stages of Grief)
1) It Doesn’t Make Sense. (Denial) – Initially, when something catastrophic cannot be explained, or a reason for it is found, we feel numb and completely powerless. In other words, we believe a train is racing toward us and feel defenseless and feeble to do anything about it except continue to find some amount of peace in the belief that what has happened is illogical. Our mind tells us that if something doesn’t make sense, then, in a way, it didn’t happen, or it will correct itself. We don’t know why we’re standing on the train tracks, but since we didn’t purposely place ourselves there, then the train isn’t real or, if it is, that someone will save us.
2) I Don’t Deserve This. (Anger) – In this phase, we become angry at the thought that the life we once knew is over and nothing but sadness and devastation are in our future. Therefore, we struggle to find a reason to hang on because we truly don’t believe we will survive or deserve to survive, and that disappointment only adds fuel to the fire.
3) Why Did This Happen? (Bargaining) – The anger that rises from the combination of confusion and panic as to why a terrible thing has happened often becomes so intense that we shut down. It’s hard to accept that we can do nothing to change what has happened. We feel helpless and begin grasping at straws; anything we feel might either stop the fallout of what has happened or revert the circumstances to where they were when there was no pain or loss. Hope remains if only as a glimmer in the corner of our eye, and it’s that glimmer that keeps us moving until reality settles in and we are forced to accept that there is nothing we can offer or do that will change our situation.
4) I Deserve This. (Depression) – After we come to the realization that what has happened is irreversible, we begin to punish ourselves. We believe we don’t deserve to be happy and that we deserve to be in pain. Our brains even reward us for punishing ourselves with tiny little shots of dopamine when we do it. The reason behind this unfortunate phenomenon could probably be the topic of a future post. Still, please understand that there is a huge difference between being accountable for our actions and feeling we deserve to be in pain. Hurting is not being accountable.
5) I’ll Live. (Acceptance) – Anything that is overwhelming overwhelms in waves. It can feel like nothing will ever be right again. But gradually, things begin to lighten up just a little. For days, weeks, even months, we will wake up with this terrible “Why” the first thing on our minds. But one morning, it will become the second. As long as we keep taking steps, even if those steps are forced, we will one day understand that we will survive.
I have been fortunate in that I’ve been allowed to work with a wide variety of people who have all struggled with loss in one form or another. It has always amazed me how applicable the five stages were in all of their varying difficulties. Even though there was never a consistent timeline of when someone moved from one stage to the next, each person finally accepted their loss and understood they would be okay. They just got there in their own time. The same could be said for me...multiple times.
Each time felt like the worst time and that there was no way through it. Each time, I was wrong, and yet, it happened again, and I didn’t understand why I wasn’t improving and why, with each catastrophe, past resolutions to catastrophes became invisible. This was maddening only after I successfully made it through the latest catastrophe. Dang it! What was I missing? I know now that I had to live beyond each injury before I could truly understand its pain. This meant that no matter how badly I wanted a solution that I could use to prevent future panic attacks, I wasn’t going to find one because of one simple truth...
Not all “Whys” will have an answer.
At the very core of any anxiety, panic, or anger attack is the emptiness that is created by not having an answer, a “Why” to what is happening or has happened. And this emptiness is like acid destroying us from the inside out because once the anguish and despair begin, it feels like they’re never going to stop. So, our mind spins and spins desperately, searching for relief. What no one ever tells you is that relief is found only after we realize we’re looking for something that probably exists, but we’ll never have access to...the answer to why something has happened/is happening or someone has done/is doing something.
We cannot time travel and change something we’ve done. We cannot enter someone else’s mind and discover the answer to why they hurt us. When another person is involved in why we are struggling or in pain, we will rarely know the answer to “why.” What makes this worse is that if, by some miracle, we are made aware of the answer, it won’t help because it only triggers either our “That doesn’t make sense” or our “That’s not fair” responses. In other words, even if we know the answer to “why” it won’t help. Our anxiety, remorse, and despair will remain with us.
Coping with “Why?”
1) Don’t face it alone. – Whether it’s your spouse, family member, friend, or all of the above, don’t isolate yourself from the world. Reach out for help. Do not punish yourself by trying to face the situation alone and accept the gift that the people who love you want to give.
2) Verbalize the problem and your fears. – The simple act of talking about what has happened and what you're afraid of to someone you trust is immensely helpful because your pain and its cause is no longer a secret. Now, someone who loves you unconditionally knows about it too and you’re still alive. Nothing tragic happened and now you have an ally.
3) Understand that there is something bigger in play. – Take time, just a few seconds, to remind yourself that what is happening is NOT permanent and only a period of transition. Every morning that you open, your eyes should remind you that you are supposed to be here and that there is something that you need to do and learn, or your eyes wouldn’t have opened.
4) Reconnect with reality. – This is going to sound silly, but I cannot stress how important reconnecting with reality on a very basic level is. It pulls us out of our heads and gives us a glimpse at the “big picture.” To do this, engage with something very basic that involves one or more of your senses. For some reason, sounds are very comforting to me. Walking on a hard floor with dress shoes or stepping on dried leaves and acorns relaxes me. I now know it’s because these particular sounds somehow pull me out of my head and ground me. Because these sounds are so basic and universal, they remind us the sun came up this morning, and, most importantly, it will come up again tomorrow.
A Different Type of Change
I realize that what I have written here may or may not help you. Even though it’s my sincere wish that you can take some piece of knowledge, some fragment of my pain or self-discovery, and use it as a way to take just one step past the agony that is pulling you into yourself and away from reality and everyone you love. I’m asking you to consider your situation as a mode of transportation instead of the end of everything. It’s a different way to look at hardship. I want you to see it as a miracle and an opportunity to evolve and not disappear.
A Different Kind of Prayer
Dear God, I know you feel the pain I’m in.
I know you understand how lost and scared I feel.
I don’t believe you want to hurt or punish me.
And I don’t think this is an accident.
So, please help me accept what is happening, and instead of begging you to change it, God, help me change myself.
Grant me the courage to be the person you put me on earth to be so I can complete the tasks you have in store for me.
Please help me change so I can then change my future.
It's so simple but so hard to do. I get it. I’ve been there, and I’m telling you that pain is temporary if change is permanent. Just stop asking God to fix the trouble you’re in and, instead, help you to “fix” yourself.
